Internal Family Systems · IFS
When different parts of you want different things
One part wants to speak up. Another wants to keep the peace. You can begin by listening to both.
Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Richard Schwartz, offers a way to understand these inner experiences and become curious about what each part is trying to do.
What does IFS mean by “parts”?
One part longs for closeness while another becomes uncomfortable when someone gets too close. A part wants to rest while another insists that there is still more to do. IFS calls these different inner experiences Parts. Each has its own feelings, beliefs, memories, and role in your inner world.
In our approach to Radical Acceptance, a reaction can help us discover which Part has been activated and begin to understand it. We do not have to make the reaction disappear before we can become interested in it.
A familiar moment: saying yes when you want to say no
Fictional example: someone asks a favour. You agree immediately, then feel resentful. One part wanted to help or avoid disappointing them. Another wanted time for yourself.
You might usually blame yourself for agreeing, or blame the other person for asking. There is another possibility: notice what happened inside you. What was the part that said yes worried would happen if you said no? What does the resentful part want you to hear?
Listening does not decide the answer for you. It gives you more of your own experience to consider before choosing what to do next.
A place to begin
Notice one part, without trying to fix it
Choose a small, everyday reaction that feels manageable to consider. You do not need to start with your most painful experience.
- Name what you notice. “A part of me wants to withdraw,” or “A part of me is insisting I get this right.”
- Notice your response to that part. Are you curious, irritated, embarrassed, or eager to change it? That response may be another part worth hearing.
- Leave room for a question. “What are you worried would happen if you did not do this?” You do not need to produce an answer.
If curiosity is not available, simply noticing that is enough for now. You can stop or return later; there is no need to push past discomfort.
Read more about meeting a part you dislike →Protectors and Wounded Parts
Many of the Parts we encounter first are Protectors. They may criticize, please, control, withdraw, become angry, or keep us busy. Their strategies can cause difficulty in adult life, while their intention is to protect us from something they believe would be painful or overwhelming.
Behind a Protector, we may find a more vulnerable Wounded Part, called an exile in IFS. It may carry fear, shame, grief, or an earlier experience of being unloved, unvalued, unsafe, or unseen.
Understanding the relationship between them changes the questions we ask. We can begin to wonder how a Protector has tried to help and what it fears would happen if it stopped doing its job.
Self and the Conductor
IFS describes Self as distinct from the Parts. We use the image of a Conductor: someone who can hear the different instruments and bring them into relationship, allowing each to have a place in the orchestra.
Calmness, curiosity, and compassion are three qualities that help us recognize the Conductor. From here, we can become interested in a Part and what it carries.
If we feel hatred toward a Part, fear of it, or an urgent need to change it, another Part may need our attention first. That response also deserves to be heard. We do not force it aside to reach the Part we had intended to explore.
When we are blended with a Part, its perspective can feel like the whole truth. “I am a failure” can become “A part of me feels like a failure.” Making room means allowing space for a relationship with that Part, while recognizing that other feelings and perspectives are present.
Read the Conductor guide →Using archetype cards to explore a pattern
An archetype names a recognizable pattern. IFS invites a relationship with the particular Part expressing it. A Perfectionist card, for example, can be a prompt to ask how the demand to get things right appears in your own life.
Our cards offer a starting point for reflection within the Wheel of Acceptance. A card does not tell you who you are or establish what a Part means.
Would you like to explore this with someone?
If a familiar pattern keeps appearing in your relationships or choices, you can contact Christopher or Ronna to ask about working together.
Keep exploring your inner parts
IFS and Addiction
Addiction is not the problem. Addiction is a solution to a deeper problem. IFS provides a model of the psyche that helps us understand and access that deeper problem, along with tools to work with it and bring healing to our inner world.
Explore →How do I accept a part of myself I dislike?
Turn toward an inner reaction that feels embarrassing, inconvenient or unacceptable.
Explore →The Conductor and your inner parts
Use the orchestra metaphor to notice the difference between hearing a part and being carried by it.
Explore →For more about the original model, visit the IFS Institute’s overview. The Conductor is the metaphor we use in our Radical Acceptance approach.