How to meet a part of yourself you dislike

Notice the part that wants change

When you think, ‘I should not feel this way,’ there may be more than one response to notice: the original feeling and the part that objects to it. Rather than choosing a side immediately, see whether you can hear what each is concerned about.

The objection may be trying to protect a relationship, preserve an image of yourself, or prevent a painful outcome. These are possibilities to explore, not explanations to impose.

Get specific without making an identity

‘There is jealousy here’ leaves more room for exploration than ‘I am a jealous person.’ Naming a response as a part does not remove your responsibility for your actions. It helps you notice that this response is not the whole of you.

You might ask what the part expects to happen, what it wants you to do, or what it fears would happen if it stopped. An answer may come as a thought, a feeling, or no clear answer at all. There is no need to force one.

An example of listening

Fictional example: a friend shares good news, and you feel envy. Another response quickly says, ‘A good friend would be happy.’

Instead of demanding enthusiasm, you notice the envy and the judgment. Perhaps the envy is connected with wanting recognition; perhaps it means something else. You can explore that possibility without making it a verdict about yourself.

You can still congratulate your friend. Later, you might give some attention to your own disappointment or hopes. Welcoming the feeling does not mean making your friend responsible for it.

Let the pace be small

Sometimes the available step is simply admitting, ‘I do not like this part, and I am willing to notice it.’ That is a more honest starting place than performing acceptance.

If curiosity gives way to pressure or overwhelm, pause. You can return later. The purpose is to develop a different relationship with your inner world, not to complete an exercise correctly.