Inner work
Projection
Someone behaves in a way that leaves us angry or judgemental. Our attention goes to what is wrong with them, and we may replay the event long after it is over. Projection offers a way to become curious about our own reaction as well.
In our approach, projection concerns qualities we find difficult to accept in ourselves. We may minimize, explain away, or overlook them in our own behaviour, while recognizing them immediately in someone else.
How might I be similar, even if the way I express it is different?
Begin with the quality that troubles you
Once the intensity of the reaction has settled enough to reflect, name the quality you see. Perhaps the other person seems controlling, dishonest, critical, or insensitive. Stay with the particular quality rather than building a case against the whole person.
Then consider where something similar appears in your own life. The expression may be quite different. Someone else may control a room, while you control yourself through impossible standards. Someone else may lie openly, while you leave out information that would make you look less capable.
Make room for the whole picture
Looking inward does not mean that the other person’s behaviour was imaginary or acceptable. It adds another question to the situation: what is my response showing me about myself? You can recognize your own controlling tendencies and still address someone else’s behaviour.
Archetypes can help name a pattern that has stepped forward, such as the Perfectionist, Defender, or Judgement. The name is a starting point for noticing how the pattern works in your own experience.
A relative who takes charge
After a family gathering, you keep thinking about a relative who corrected everyone and insisted on having things their way. When you look inward, you notice that you rarely direct other people, but you constantly correct yourself. Your Perfectionist insists there is a right way to do everything.
The controlling quality is familiar, even though you express it differently. Seeing that similarity gives you something to explore beyond your relative’s behaviour.
Pause and reflect
- Which quality in the other person am I reacting to?
- Where might a similar quality appear in my behaviour, including how I treat myself?
- What makes that quality difficult for me to acknowledge?
Making room for what you find
Recognition is a beginning. We may see a quality clearly and still want to deny it, justify it, or make it disappear. Acceptance starts with admitting that it is part of our experience: sometimes I am controlling; sometimes I am insensitive.
Acknowledging a quality does not require approving of it or acting it out. It allows us to be more honest with ourselves and to choose how we respond, with less energy spent defending an image of who we should be.
Explore the wider process in the Wheel of Acceptance, or read more about archetypes.