What is underneath my anxiety or fear?

Try a specific sentence: “I am afraid the conversation will go badly.” Then ask what “badly” means in this situation. Being criticized? Losing connection? Not knowing what to do?

Stay with your own experience and keep following the feared meaning. Beneath the immediate prediction, the fear will lead toward one or more of four roots: being unloved, unvalued, unsafe or unseen.

Fictional example: a friend seems distant. You fear the friendship is ending. Ask what would be frightening about that. You may find, ‘I will be alone.’ Ask what is frightening about being alone, and the answer may lead to, ‘I am unloved’ or ‘I am unseen.’ The fear is real, but it does not establish that the friend’s distance proves the story.

Unloved, unvalued, unsafe and unseen are the four root fears in this model. The purpose of the questions is not to choose one intellectually, but to follow your own chain of fear until the root that is operating becomes clear.

You can explore the inner meaning and still ask your friend what is happening. If a situation calls for practical protection or support, attending to it is compatible with acceptance.

Remember that this is discovery. You are becoming aware of what is operating, not trying to change, reassure or talk yourself out of it yet. If the inquiry becomes overwhelming, pause and return when you can remain present with it.